I’ve always read this column but I have the suspicion that some of these stories just cannot be true. So, consider this my entry to bring things back towards reality, because this is usually how things go.
Moaningful confessions? Absolutely. I’ve been moaning for months. 18 months, to be precise. I haven’t hooked up with someone in a year and a half. It’s embarrassing. My bedroom is so messy and personal that at this point I wouldn’t even think about inviting someone back with me, and I think I’ve also forgotten how to flirt entirely.
I don’t know what all these people are doing to have crazy hookups all the time. Like where do they find the confidence to do this sort of thing? It’s just so, so bold and I cannot imagine making these sorts of moves. The last time I got close to hooking up with someone, they’d taken me to their room but I got such bad performance anxiety that my stomach hurt and I said I needed to go home. Like how are people out there giving head in alleyways? I just do not understand it.
Power to you, if you are, but the craziest action I’ve seen this whole time has been from my own two hands. This is also why I’m submitting this because I feel like you don’t get a lot of entries and I want to win a free sex toy. Pay up.
So, while we’re at it, I have some more failed attempts for you to laugh at. In first-year I was having a yarn with a girl that I thought might be headed somewhere more exciting, but then halfway through we figured out we were actually from the same small town, and then we figured out we were related. So that got awkward real fast.
Another time, I was talking to a girl at a flat party and she seemed really keen, and so was I, but then she had an allergic reaction to the mould or something and had to go to the ER. Of course. And then more recently I was flirting with someone on Tinder (because I’ve gotten desperate) and they told me they were actually just on there for fun.
It’s a tough life out here. I don’t know where all these submissions are coming from, but if one of you freaks feels like helping out a charity case you can find me outside the Richardson building at midnight on Tuesday the 22nd. I’ll even bring a condom. Please.