As an avid Moaningful Confessions reader, I have been recently disappointed with the lack of jaw-dropping, juicy stories, so against my better judgement, I have sacrificed the last shred of my dignity to provide the worst, most entertaining of sex stories.
To set the scene, I had just turned 19 while he was in his mid-20s (and still living with his parents, might I add). We had been coworkers for a while before I came down to university. Before that, we had somewhat broken things off because I was too “immature” for him which I will admit broke my fragile heart, so when he came running back to me I wasn’t really taking whatever we were seriously. While at university, he would message me and tell me how much he missed me (and all that gross romantic shit) as well as that he hoped I wasn’t seeing anyone else because we were together (ummmm…. Excuse me, what? I was not aware of this arrangement) so I stopped talking to him.
It was the holidays and I was home for the summer, and after not talking to him for months, he decided to slide into my DMs asking for the ol’ classic ‘Netflix and chill’. To no one’s surprise, before I knew it I was in my car driving out to his house. Apparently I ignore all walking red flags.
We shared a bit of small talk before getting right down to business. I was horny, had failed to pull anything all year because I have zero rizz, and was long overdue for some action. He put on his ‘sex playlist’ which consisted of Daft Punk, Weezer, and Arctic Monkeys. Now, I'm not stupid. I did pay attention in sex ed (mostly) and I was playing it safe and made sure he was wrapped up. The bedroom rodeo was getting hot and heavy as I ended up riding him cowgirl style, before everything came to a screeching (literally and figuratively) halt when he said, “Stop, it feels weird,” and I hopped off his high horse (pun very much intended, hehe).
The condom was NOWHERE to be found, that shit had disappeared to Narnia, vanished like when dads go to get some milk, evaporated into thin air. There was only one explanation: it had to be still inside me. So I use my trusty fingers to go fishing, but no luck. Well. We couldn’t just leave it up there, so this man takes a turn at trying to fish the missing condom out, and succeeds (thank god)! He then proceeds to say, and I quote, “Damn, your pussy is like a shark… nom, nom, nom.”
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS HE THINKING?!?!?! And before I have even a moment to process the tomfoolery that just escaped his mouth, he starts singing the well-known and universally hated song known as ‘Baby Shark’. So there I was, lying butt-naked on his man’s bed after having the sex scare of a lifetime, he’d just fished a loose condom out of my womanhood, and he’s singing, “Baby Shark do-do-do-do-do, Baby Shark do-do-do-do-do, Baby Shark do-do-do-do-do, BABY SHARK!”
I was absolutely mind-blown (and not in the way I’d hoped). Needless to say, after that we decided to just go out for some food. But this is not where the story ends… no, you have been mistaken. This is where the story gets worse. We decided to go to this beachside bar. It’s sunset, we ordered our food (he paid, how chivalrous) and found a nice seat to sit down and chat.
And I know what you're probably thinking: why didn’t I run off while I still had some dignity intact (I don’t have any dignity left obviously because I’m recounting my awful sex life to a widely read university magazine… duh)? I'm completely delulu and enjoy torturing myself by willingly avoiding walking red flags because I think, “I can fix him.”
Anyway, while we’re waiting for our food, he takes my hands in his and looks me deep in my eyes. He starts to get all gushy and romantic about how I’m the only one he has felt comfortable with, blah blah blah…
“If things were different, you would be my fiancé right now, I love you.”
What. The. Fuck. I have just turned 19, I am a university student, I am just starting out my life and he thinks I’m going to pause all that for HIM. This is coming from a man who has already lived his teen years, and just sang Baby Shark to me. I politely (and VERY awkwardly) explain that I thought we were just a ‘friends with benefits’ situation, which, needless to say, he was very upset about. I drop him back at his parents house, and upon arriving back home, I proceed to block him on everything and I haven’t spoken a word to him since (yes, I know it’s toxic, but what else was I supposed to do?!?!).
Moral of the story: Do NOT get involved with walking red flags, and stay toxic. And I will never listen to Baby Shark the same way again.