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As hangovers wore on and STI rates soared, a slightly sinister twist emerged during an otherwise sensational O-Week. Acclaimed rapper Macklemore, age 29, met with an unfortunate fate following his sold-out concert at Dunedin’s Forsyth Barr Stadium on Thursday night. Macklemore rapped the high-waisted shorts off throngs of exuberant students before he and his crew hit the after party, at which they “danced and cried and laughed and had a really really really good time.” At around two in the morning, Macklemore disappeared and was not seen again that night.

The next day, a distraught Ryan Lewis filed a missing persons report when his buddy failed to show up at their hotel for the continental breakfast. With few leads, investigators had no choice but to interrogate the staff of every Salvation Army store within a ten-kilometer radius, to no avail. Fortunately, Dunedin’s K-9 squad was able to track the scent of Macklemore’s fur fox-skin, and he was finally found late Friday afternoon locked in a Unicol dorm room. It was revealed that he had been kidnapped the previous night by a group of four girls when he stepped outside to call his “mom.”

The girls, all freshers and all heavily intoxicated, had allegedly held him captive and brushed his hair while forcing him to look at Instagram photos of their cats, before regaling him with long, meandering stories about their unoriginal O-Week antics until they all fell asleep. When police found him, he was huddled under a desk, bound and gagged with makeshift restraints fashioned out of girl’s underwear and strips of soiled bed sheets left over from the Toga Party. He was rocking gently back and forth, humming softly to himself and repeating “OMG … like … totally …” over and over in hushed tones. Macklemore claims that he was unable to escape or call for help because his phone had been confiscated, and the only other thing he had in his pocket was a twenty-dollar bill.

The hip-hop hotshot was incredibly relieved to have been rescued. It is reported that although traumatised, Macklemore feels partly to blame for this incident. He stated that it might not have happened had he not bragged about his love of shopping in one of his most popular songs, as this may have led the girls to believe that they had something in common with him. He therefore declined to press charges, making a hurried departure for his next concert in Auckland that night. As Critic went to print, the four girls involved were unavailable for comment.