This column is a word-for-word transcript of an actual message received by Critic’s online dating profile. You can’t make this shit up.
Ok may i say you are very pretty with sexy eyes hope you like it
Ok picture this
We are playing doubles at tennis you are my partner you are at the net in a short skirt and tiny white panties its a very hot humid day and we have been playing for hours we finally win after a lob that they did was put away by u after having to reach high in the air for it showing off more of your white panties which had riding up your arse showing off more of your creamy white arse cheeks.
We shake their hands and head off to the bar at the tennis club for a few drinks. Your look so hot there sitting on the bar stool with the sweat still on you and your tennis skirt ridding up your thighs. I come back with the drinks and from behind you I drop an ice cube down your front you squeal as the coldness slides down your cleavage.
I can see the out line of your sports bra from the sweat and your nipples are standing out like beacons to guide a weary traveller home. The sun streams in through the window sending dancing fairies through your hair it is at this stage I decide I have to have you there and now.
I take your by the hand and led you to the changing rooms I turn on the shower and you start to remove your tennis gear I say leave them on and we step into the shower. The water cascades over your top outlining more of your sports bra I reach over and peel off your top exposing your midriff I kneel down and gently kiss you from the top of your skirt to your belly button slowly doing little figure of eights around it. I work my way up to your hardened nipples poking through your bra and I gently bite them through the material. I stand up and work my hands around to your back to release your breasts from their prison. The bra drops to the floor revelling my prize my lips met your right nipple as I caress your left nipple with my fingers.
[From here, the transcript rapidly goes downhill. If Critic won’t publish it, you know it’s beyond the bounds of acceptability.]