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Welcome back, Scarfies. It’s that time of year when, freshly relieved of any responsibilities or parental supervision, you’re probably gonna get plastered. Repeatedly. That’s fine, but remember: a sloppy drunk is a lonely drunk. Here are a few tips to help you keep your cool, avoid embarrassment and not repel the few friends you may have made thus far in life.

If staying upright on your own starts to become difficult, find a way to maintain a roughly vertical position. Surrendering to the horizontal will give the game away almost immediately. You may be able to find a conveniently placed barstool, chair or couch to prop yourself up on. Better still, this will force people to come to you as opposed to you chasing after them – instantly establishing your superior social status. Failing that, nominate someone to latch on to for support and hope to hell that they’re not as wasted as you are.

When talking to another human being, try to stay alert and engaged. People are sometimes offended when met with blank stares, drooling, or unannounced naps during conversation. Just be a polite listener and offer a few encouraging responses. Try not to speak too much. Your alcohol-fuelled opinion on the subject at hand is almost certainly not worth sharing.

It is imperative to adhere to a certain standard of hygiene so as not to be mistaken for a lower life form and dismissed from the party/bar/bus shelter. Depending on your drinking activity of choice, you may wish to bring along a plastic bib to catch spills, or some baby wipes to clear any stray chunks of vomit from the corners of your mouth. Chewing gum is essential – your breath probably smells like adult diapers. Do wear perfume/deodorant; but don’t go overboard with it, or it will be evident that you are trying to disguise something. If you’re lucky, people will assume that it’s because you haven’t washed your clothes in a while. Finally, keep in mind that your hair is unlikely to stay where you left it at the beginning of the night. Frequent spot checks are recommended.

At some point, you may experience an overwhelming urge to communicate your thoughts and feelings to the wider community via social media platforms, text messages or phone calls. Don’t. If your insights/confessions are really as poignant as you have led yourself to believe, you will remember them the next day and can share them then. Leave your ex and your mum alone. They already know you love them. Before taking any of these corrective measures, go home. You’re drunk.