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Depending on how far up your arse your head is, some of you may have noticed that Dunedin actually extends beyond the Student Quarter (and the Octy on weekends). The rest choose the path of blissful ignorance, which is a short path indeed. If you’re tired of being limited to territory that you can cover with your own two feet, now is the time to discover the public bus system. It may seem daunting at first, but don’t panic. With a little guidance and some true grit, you too can become a master bus jockey and explore the road frequently travelled.

Now that you are aware of the existence of “the bus,” your first order of business is to catch one. Public buses can be quite elusive, so knowing where they hang out (bus stops) makes this part much easier. Find a bus stop by walking along the street until you see one. There will usually be a signpost, if not a shelter. In on or around the stop there will be a timetable detailing the buses that come to that stop, where they go, and when they go there. Simply select your destination and a time that suits and then wait for the bus to appear. Buses have helpful neon signs on their foreheads that indicate their various destinations. If in doubt, flag them down and ask the driver.

Once you have managed to trap the right bus, you must then board it. Make your presence known to the driver by standing close to the curb as the bus approaches. Climb aboard and state your destination or the number of “zones” you wish to traverse (expert level only). You will have to cough up some cash at this point, so be sure you have some before beginning your journey. Bus drivers do not accept favours or artwork as payment – the standard fare is $2 per zone, and this can actually get you quite a long way. Grab the little ticket, crumple it up in your pocket and sit down in a seat.

While riding the bus, you may wish to stare pointedly at the floor or out the window to avoid making eye contact with the plebs. Don’t start daydreaming though, or you might miss your stop. You’ll have to rely entirely on your own judgement to know where to get off. Once you think you’re close enough to where you want to go, pull the cord that runs along the window or push one of the conveniently located red “stop” buttons. The driver will then let you off at the next stop. When the bus is no longer in motion, disembark gracefully and enjoy your day.