Columns

“Proctology” begins this week with some good old-fashioned pyromania. The Proctor believes that “running around chasing a friend with an aerosol can and a cigarette lighter trying to light it is not a very good idea. In fact it’s dumb.” The perpetrator has now seen the error of his ways and was dismissed after “a talking to.”

A number of noisy parties have disrupted motel businesses on George and Cumberland Streets. Some are losing guests as people pack up at 3:00am and leave without paying, unable to sleep through the loud noise. “A motelier loses $200-$400 if it were a family. Who should pay for that? I’m thinking the people who hold the party.” The Proctor warns that people living near motels should be aware that if your party is the cause of motel guests leaving without paying, then you may be held accountable.

Several Campus Watch officers and police became involved in a recent confrontation on campus, after a drug deal went wrong. As the Proctor explains: “the purchaser came to a meeting of a group of like-minded people on the Union Lawn to return the goods and claim his money back. That ended in violence and required police and Campus Watch to intervene to keep people safe. The seller and his friends attacked the other guy who went away and got some of his friends and things just escalated.”

Three people ended up in hospital following the incident, while a number of people were trespassed from campus. “Nobody was badly hurt but it was not a pretty scene,” the Proctor says. One guy became rather stressed and violent at one point: “police and our guys did have to sit on him to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.”

Luckily, there were “few burglaries over the holidays and an increase in the number of students registering their flats with us.” For those who don’t know, Campus Watch have a “flatwatch” scheme wherein if you go away for a week or more, they will check your flat windows and doors at least daily to check for break-ins, smashed windows or squatters. They will also look after guns for hunting-inclined students.

OUSA have a new section on their website called “It’s Your Call.” The section relates to drinking, red cards, and initiation. Anyone who organises events that include coercion into drinking, taking any illicit substances, or illegal behaviour will be liable for the behaviour of others. (Of course, those who behave like idiots themselves will also be held responsible). The Proctor says they have “pinged a few who have run parties like that.”

So “get innovative” with red cards, says the Proctor for (at least) the hundredth time. A messy rending to a red card will have you charged under the code of conduct if you organised it, whether or not you misbehaved yourself.

He concludes that “you can paint your bum green and run up and down Leith Street, and you’re never going to hurt anyone.” Wise words Mr. Proctor, wise words.