Columns

“Think a bit before you do these dumb things.”
– the Proctor, every interview ever.

This week in “Proctology” is uneventful. According to the Proctor, “everyone’s been pretty good.” The only reason for this would be the cold weather and the ensuing lack of general motivation. Having said this, there are one or two incidents of misconduct to report.

Those flatting around the Castle/ Leith Streets area have allowed the rubbish left outside flats to “build up.” What students may not be aware of is that most of the University’s team leaders are certified litter wardens for the City Council. This means that if “after asking 55 times … it’s not cleaned up, they can issue a ticket and monetary fine.” Luckily, this hasn’t happened yet. Apparently after only being asked 40 times the message seems to get through to people.

Another misdemeanor involved flatters owing their landlords rent. This includes rent owing from “2011, 2012 and so on. Fifteen hundred to two thousand dollars is often owed.” The Proctor gave some wise advice to all current and future flatters: “your bond will very, very seldom cover overdue rent. It won’t be the same amount. And if it’s not paid, then you end up with a zero credit rating, which isn’t a good way to start trying to go to a bank to get a credit card.”

The Proctor also issued warnings in case a Wellington-style earthquake were to hit closer to home. “If you have a large speaker or a shelf above your bed at about head height, make sure it’s nailed down or secured. The big wardrobe by your wall should also be secured.”

As for exams, there’s always someone who thinks they can get better marks once an exam has been sat. The bad news is that you can’t. For example, one student argued: “well I went in and sat the paper [but] I got zero for it, so you must have lost the papers and attendance card.” The Proctor then informed this student that in ten years that has never happened. A check of the cameras out by the lecture theatre indicated that the student must have forgotten they had not actually attended the exam.”

Another attempt involved a tampered-with medical certificate. “The special consideration was for a student whose doctor had said he was extremely ill. Unfortunately we noticed the twink on the bit that said ‘mildly affected’ and the different coloured ink used on the part that said ‘seriously affected.’ Doctors don’t use twink.”