Dear Sexcellent,
My boyfriend gets really sulky when I won’t have sex with him. He talks about blue balls and makes it such a big drama I always end up having sex with him even when I don’t want to. Is this okay? What do I do about it?
-Rachel
Hi Rachel,
First off, I’m sorry that you’re being put in this position. Coming up soon, in the first week of May, is Rape Awareness Week. There are going to be posters and activities all around university: and it’s going to hopefully bring some light to some consent issues.
My biggest soap box I like to stand on, even bigger than wearing condoms (if you would believe) is consent. It’s so, so incredibly important. Consent is not silence, consent is not ‘no’, consent is not ‘maybe’ and consent is not even ‘fine, if it will get you to shut up and stop sulking.’ Consent is active, ongoing, and enthusiastic ‘yes’s’, again and again and again.
Being coerced into sexual acts with your boyfriend through emotional manipulation is not okay, and not healthy: and what part of a person being mad at you until you put out is sexually attractive? I mean, maybe I’m in the minority, but that does not turn me on at all.
Now, I know a lot of people are completely unenthused about the “yes means yes” campaign: as in not only does no mean no, but only an active yes means yes, but I think it’s so crucial. It doesn’t have to be some cold, clinical, signing-contracts-with-lawyers-present type deal that some people make it out to be: getting a yes can be such a natural part of sex, and no lie, can actually be hugely hot. You probably practice “only yes means yes” already: what do you think most dirty talk is?
“Does that feel good?”, “do you like that?”, “do you want more/less/harder/faster?”, “do this/that/the other thing to me”; there are a million ways to ask questions and receive answers that aren’t necessarily “can I do activity x to you now?” and a flat “yes”, but still get the point across.
Going back to Rachel’s situation specifically: tell your boyfriend to stop being an absolute baby. If he genuinely is upset because you’re not having sex with him, it’s not likely to just be the sex that’s the issue. It’s not okay for him to guilt you into having sex: that is coercive, manipulative, and yuck. Also, blue balls don’t exist.
-S x