Critic’s infamous blind-date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mis-matched pairs, and the occasional hookup.
Each week, we lure two singletons to Dog With Two Tails, ply them with food and alcohol, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this svounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned —if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
His - A normal guy
I came in hot, realistically way too hot. I was honestly too hot about two hours before the date even started. Somehow, I did manage to make it to the date. After a wine and toga themed red card, I was lucky to have made it at all. When I did show up, there was about 5-10 girls there surrounding one table. I didn’t think much of it but as soon as I told the waiter that I was there for the blind date they giggled and separated. I remember briefly chatting with one of them but I don’t remember what I said or what she said. Finally, I met the one that was my date. I was rather excited for I had never done anything like this but my excitement soon vanished. Immediately I knew I had competition, her phone. Maybe my mind had convinced me of other realities but I thought I was being rather nice and outgoing. But her phone was out a lot and she was doing a lot of texting. I suggested getting food and drinks but she wasn’t having it. I was hungry as hell and I went up and ordered. I was not going to let free food slip from my grips. At this point, I started to realise that the technology might be beating me. She continued to look at her phone and our conservation continued to go nowhere. Finally, she just kind of left. I’m sure I must’ve said something or made that one comment that you would wake up the next morning and be like ‘wow I’m stupid’. I wish I could give the details but I just can’t remember. My memory of the whole thing is blurred but one moment she was there and the next she just, kind of, wasn’t. The realisation that I was alone in the bar took quite a while to sink in. The chicken burger and curly fries had taken over a fair portion of my mind. After a couple of minutes, it finally sunk in that she was not just in the bathroom or outside for a smoke. It was probably my fault she left so quickly but I wasn’t gonna let that bring me down. I saw a couple of mates from uni and we shared the rest of the bar tab together. Looking back, I have fond memories of the evening and day as a whole, but the date, the date was just about as bad as it could’ve gone. I honestly don’t even know her name.
Hers - Me & and my friends
OMG, I was so nervous. After preparing for several weeks and months for the Blind Date the day had finally arrived. After several drinking games and a few dances to classic 90’s throwbacks, I was ready to go. I was so amped but way too afraid to go without all of my flatties. We do literally everything together. Like a good McNugget Combo at 2am.
The bar was empty, and I felt so awkward. I had never talked to a boy before. My flatmates squealed when they saw my date, he was really cute. And American! I had to text my friends every single word he said. Thank god my flatmates were still there to help me not make a dick of myself in front of this guy. I needed another drink.
When I came back to the table, my flatmates did the unthinkable and had left me at the table with my date. It was just me and him. What was I meant to do, talk to him? Yucky! I was texting frantically, where did you go, and then rushed to the bathroom and I did what any smart girl would have done, I swiftly called my girls and they were just as quick to pick me up. I immediately felt better in their presence and continued to make a ruckus in my normal state at the BYO they were all going to. We felt happy, like a good McNugget Combo at 2am.
I don’t know how American blind dates are said to go but let’s just say we had a bit of a culture clash. He was trying to talk to me with his mouth ffs wtf. And he turned up on his own, what a no-mates! But hey, gotta kiss (or not) a few frogs to find your prince right?
Shot Critic for the night - sorry that I couldn’t attempt to stay and take full advantage of the bar tab. Maybe next time?
10/10 would not bring a friend.*
*Critic response - we don’t recommend bringing all of your friends, and your mum, and your mum’s friend on the Critic blind dates. What are you, 12?