The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz

Part One:

His Superdry shirt made me Superwet, so our entree was a footjob (with toes). The main was an epick fuck-crawl of North Dunedin. The Mamacita’s bathroom sex was sad and vanilla at best.

I’m an exhibitionist/group sex girl, and my friend who came to make sure I wasn’t going to get serial killed had already seen me naked in too many non-sexual contexts to want to fuck me so wasn’t an option. To make matters worse, I accidentally left my vibrator at home - how sad.
We sculled our cocktail and headed straight to Peaches and Cream. I found out he was a virgin - not a virgin virgin, but a sex swing virgin, and that’s pretty much the same as being an actual virgin. Because Critic paid for our dinner, we felt like we could justify the cost of a Lux Fetish Quality Love Swing (rrp $344.99). We choose the most expensive sex swing for political reasons.

Because I’m a narcissist, obviously we needed to fuck in front of the mirrors in the first floor central bathrooms. Being able to see myself in action was a bit better than the boring Mamacita’s experience, because it felt a bit like someone was watching, but honestly by this stage I was just starting to get sick of tame bathroom sex, and was ready to engage in some real exhabitionisim. The Regent Night n Day has always been a major turn-on for me. Cameras, interestingly shaped hygiene products and the smell of mediocre deep fried food: Yes. I’m not going to say what happened in the deep fryer, because I don’t want to be the reason why the Night n Day closes. With burnt nippes we headed off, excited about my big plans for the Leith.

Part Two:

We were about to cross the bridge when she said, “I’ve always wanted to fuck in the Leith.” In true Trump fashion I grabbed her by the pussy and led her underneath the bridge. I reached into our goodie bag, pulled out the swing and started attaching it to the railings above. I felt a warm breath of air on my abs and then a familiar tug at my Harley Davidson belt as she greedily swallowed the entire length of my shaft and held it there, only pulling off for a brief moment to get a desperate gasp of air while I firmly cinched the straps around her wrists and legs. Restrained and suspended in the air, she knew I had all control and submitted as I pulled the belt from around my waist and slid the thick leather strap across her body starting at her neck, dragging it across her collarbone and down through her thighs. I put her ankles up on my shoulders and she gasped as I slid myself all the way in stretching and filling her simultaneously. Her eyes widened and I felt her grip on my shaft tighten as I took her to pound town.

She was making too much noise so I made a makeshift gag by stripping off my shirt. I shoved one sleeve in her mouth and blindfolded her with the other. I then repeatedly whipped her perky ass from below as she writhed in pleasure. I pounded her harder and harder (with technique). With each thrust she pushed back on me with more force, I could tell from her heavy breathing that she was close. She started quivering as she let out a moan that even the gag couldn’t stop. I felt the point of no return arising so I went as deep as I could and grinded against her clit as I felt my load shooting deep inside impregnating her.
Catching chlamydia and a child on the way aside I had a great night. Cheers Critic, Mamacita and Peaches ‘n Cream for the good night.