Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your chakras align this week as you realise it’s time for a personality adjustment. And to buy a meal that isn’t Maggi noodles.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Caillou the annoying bald fucker
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Water season is gone but now you’ll flourish. Wash your socks and change your undies… Treat yourself.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Catdog
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
It’s Aries season fire time let’s get hot!!! Your aura is gonna bring you secret admirers. Have some shower sex, surely your flatmates won’t mind you using their shampoo as lube.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Rugrats
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Defreshion season is approaching so keep on top of your mental health. Have a self-care day. Eat a whole Cheesecake Shop caramel mud cake and do 10 sit ups to make up for it.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Blues Clues
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20
Your brain will probably feel durrrr this week. Combat this by actually listening durr-ing your lectures. Otherwise I’m telling your mum on you.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Pingu noot noot
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22
Wash your towels. Having a wash and then using your towel doesn’t actually clean your towel. You detty pig.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: SpongeBob Squarepants
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your friends mock you only because you are the fake person they always wished they could be- it’s hard having fans sometimes.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Hey Arnold! with that big ass head
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The best things come in three; a failed paper, chlamydia, and an unmatch on Tinder. Take care of yourself and maybe see a doctor.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: The Powerpuff Girls
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22
Not much to say about you this week Libra. Only that you need to fix yourself. Come back when you have gotten over that fresher that is too young for you.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Bob the Builder
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21
This week will bring you luck and good fortune. It will also bring you an Uber Eats order when you’re hungover in bed on a Friday arvo.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Hi-Five
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your crush in your lecture won’t look back at you so stop staring. Got an eye problem?
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Bear in the gotdamn Big Blue House bitch!
Capricorn
Dec 22- Jan 19
I’m over you, Capricorn. Seasons have passed and you continue to disappoint. Maybe I’ll get me a fire sign- at least they can spice it up. Take a good hard look in the mirror this week.
Your childhood TV show to watch this week: JoJo’s Circus, you clown