Max the Paddle Pop Lion:
Suspect Description:
Max the Lion, also known as Paddle Pop the Lion, is not only the Mascot of the flavoursome ice creams; he is also the star of his own nightmare-fuelling animated TV show/movies where his otherworldly agility and strength are demonstrated. Like, this bitch fights a Shadow Master. Do not fuck with him, no matter how tempting. His majestic mane and eerily human-like features read straight-up Furry. Can we even try to comprehend how much he is packing??? Yiff.
Wanted For:
Harassment. Max the Lion creates elaborate stories in the form of his movies/TV shows to cover up the fact he is still stalking his ex-girlfriend. Lions are predatory, after all, and his sweet, sweet ice cream-based fame went straight to his anthropomorphic head. Anyone else get a Leo DiCaprio vibe from him? Emphasis on the ‘Leo’. Under 25s beware.
Recommended Sentence:
Restraining order. Banned from all halls of residence for life.
Reward:
Two whole Paddle Pop Icy Blast Off Minions Multipacks!
Chippy the Bluebirds Penguin:
Suspect Description:
Born into this world in the late 1980s, Chippy the Penguin is the most manic creature to ever conquer Aotearoa’s supermarket shelves. One of the first Blue Bird advertisements demonstrated Chippy’s Geneva Convention-defying acts: committing a heist against a humanitarian aid plane filled with BlueBird crisps. The footage was presented as an advertisement, but it’s honestly a documentary. Chippy’s feral behaviour establishes an obviously dominant aura, however, its small size compared to a human means it’s at perfect kicking height. Kinky.
Wanted For:
Destruction of property, breaking and entering. Before his on-screen career, Chippy had a long stint as an ecoterrorist, and is long-time friends with George Miller, director of both Mad Max and Happy Feet. Witness him!
Recommended Sentence:
Lobotomy. Also, knee-ectomy. Google “penguin knees” and suffer with us.
Reward:
Two chip :)
Toby, the Longest Drink Giraffe:
Suspect Description:
The only way its neck could become so long is due to prolonged exposure to radiation, and dairies around the country have been slurping up this radiation-riddled mascot’s sweet nectar since 1968. When ordering our thick shakes, we’re not only doing it for the taste, we are also doing it out of fear. Also the name of the drink does not just refer to Toby’s neck. Please don’t ask him for a thickshake. Please.
Wanted For:
Indecent exposure. The team behind Critic Te Ārohi has enquired into what Toby the Giraffe does when not displaying his elongated neck on the sides of our diabetes-riddled drinks. It turns out he’s a bit of a flasher, and is actually banned from Canada. The U.K. is fine with him, though.
Recommended Sentence:
Several decades in solitary confinement–the longest sentence in town. Should be added to the list of SCPs.
Reward:
Night 'n Day hotdog that's been in the heater for 27 hours. Also, the contents of the gutter we dumped the leftovers of our Thickshake Review in back in March. She’s been brewing nicely.
The KiwiSoft Kiwi
Suspect Description:
Don’t let the lack of wings fool you: this nameless feathery fuck is all fight, no flight. He can be identified by his bogan-esque black rugby jersey, and large, hypnotic eyes that feel like they’re staring straight into your urethra the second you drop trou’. Wearing an All Blacks top and literally nothing else, he’s ready for business. And “business”, of course, means “pleasure”. Run while you still can.
Wanted For:
High treason. Not “high treason” as in against a monarch (RIP Lizzie), but treason, high. You don’t need non-vestigial wings to fly, baaaaby! That glassy off-colour gaze tells all, and with a beak that long you could rip a really fucking impressive cone or line. Hey, it’s not easy being our national bird, and being dealt the literal shittiest hand is what drove this budget bathroom-dweller to start mining government information and selling it to [REDACTED].
Recommended Sentence:
Exile, but honestly, that’s probably good for the kiwi population so this is a win-win.
Reward:
Kiwi egg on toast.
Muncher, the Cookie Time Monster:
Suspect Description:
We are currently on a safari to hunt down the Cookie Muncher and his accomplices. Not only sport, but for his soft, majestic coat of fur. We will turn it inside out to make an oodie and wear it proudly around Central Library, just like you and your “besties”. Cookie Muncher’s distinguishing feature is his Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit-looking teeth, which are due to the sheer amount of meth he has taken over the years. Those teeth reportedly sell very well in Central America, where they’re crushed up into a powder and huffed to increase “male potency”.
Wanted For:
Distribution of an illicit substance, possession with intent to distribute, tampering, culpable negligence.
Cookie Muncher’s business ventures are obviously a front, as anyone with business sense would know. The deal he scored with Air NZ to give away free cookies really opened up the market, though, as all of his products are laced with various substances. Gotta get that new demographic hooked somehow, I guess. Anyway, his white-collar connections helped him push his products all across the country, and he’s still very much at large.
Recommended Sentence:
An eternity of a Groundhog Day-type situation of accidentally licking the weed cookie mixture spoon before pint night and then having to re-live it over and over and over…
Reward:
20% off at Lumino the Dentist.
Skippy the Kangaroo
Suspect Description:
A pest species in Oz and an illegal immigrant here, Skippy is one to watch out for. With a powerful right hook from all that cornflake-spoon lifting and a pouch full of cereal dust and smuggled weapons, this bludgeoning bugger is seriously dangerous and also possibly a bigot. He has a long list of victims in Aus, mostly young men he challenged to fights in pubs. Can you kangaroo? Can you, cunt? Skippy is known for being massive, standing at 7’1”, but only when erect. He has a massive back tattoo as well, which you never see on the logo. It’s why he wears that blue shirt all the time: it covers the tally marks nicely.
Wanted For:
Racketeering, battery, possession of illegal firearms, voter fraud. His role in attempting to overturn the most recent Australian elections went largely unnoticed outside of Canberra, from which he fled to greener pastures in Aotearoa, trading places with David Bain. But don’t let his status as a newcomer fool you, Skippy is one dangerous kangaroo, and is very quick to violence. Any sightings should be immediately reported to border control.
Recommended Sentence:
10 years in prison, a lifetime of community service and permanent ankle bracelet.
Reward:
Free pints in Australia for life. Only downside is, you know, Australia.