No one asked, but here it is. A breakdown of Otago degrees and their favourite sex positions. Use it well.
Using a mix of questionable quantitative and qualitative research methods, Critic Te Ārohi has investigated the correlations between what degrees people take and their favourite sex positions. Before reading, please remember: you can’t argue with science. Especially with data collection as precise (yet inaccurate) as this. It’s just a matter of crunching the numbers, baby. In the words of Einstein himself, “logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”
Degree: BCom
Sex position: Missionary
Starting off strong, we have the mighty BCum. The data was clear: students of commerce love Missionary. 100% of respondents to the survey who studied a Bachelor of Commerce said that Missionary was their favourite sex position. Let’s be honest, no one is surprised by this. They like it simple, straightforward, and to the point. And they probably all consider themselves a top.
Tip: Ask them why we can’t just print more money, it’ll turn them on.
Degree: BSc
Sex position: Missionary & Butter Churner
Missionary: simple, exact, precise. Much like this piece of scientific research. There’s respect in that. Getting the angles just right. But remember what Einstein said, and don’t let science limit the imagination. The Butter Churner is a good one to spice things up.
Tip: Chuck some variables into your experiment and see what happens.
Degree: Arts
Sex position: Missionary & Cowgirl
The data was relatively clear for the Arts, with most preferring Missionary and Cowgirl for their adult sleepovers. Cowgirl was more prevalent for Politics students, while the Historians and English students enjoyed Missionary. The superiority complex of Politics students explains the preference for Cowgirl. History students like to keep it traditional, and English students? No one knows what they’re thinking, or if they’re okay.
Tip: Dirty talk to them in Shakespearean or something, they’ll probably love it. Definitely don’t ask them who they’re voting for.
Degree: Law
Sex position: Reverse Cowgirl
Of all the degrees, Law presented the highest proportion of respondents who enjoy Reverse Cowgirl. Law students also had the highest variety of answers, with Doggy in second, Missionary and Cowgirl in third, and a few honourable mentions for Spread Eagle. It's safe to say the Law students may be some of the freakiest academics Otago has to offer.
Tip: If they ask you whether the sex was good, just say yes. It’ll make your life a whole lot easier.
Degree: Med/Biomed
Sex position: Doggy & Missionary
Med students can get pretty freaky. You’re already getting fucked by uni, so why not a bit more? Doggy came out on top with over half of med students favouring it. Purely for anatomical reasons, of course. You can really get a good look at everything. Good angles, etc. A sort of field study, one could say. As for Missionary… an inevitable preference. One Med student even went as far as to call Med + Missionary as an “unbeatable combo”.
Tip: Validate them. Tell them you could never do what they do. Remind them how smart they are. Tell them the sex was amazing. Let them prove themselves, it’s all they want.
Degree: Psychology/Neuroscience
Sex position: Doggy, Seashell, Cowgirl, & Butter Churner
You guys love to psychoanalyse everyone, now it’s our turn. Law and Med students are prudes in comparison to the Psych and Neuro students. They came back with the biggest spread of different positions by far (pun intended). They think deep about that shit. Doggy was number one for students of the brain, with one student saying they love “getting railed from behind”. Interesting… and how do you think that links back to your relationship with your father? Seashell, meanwhile, requires a lot of flexibility and mental strength that only a Psych student can offer.
Tip: Don’t bring up your relationship with your mum. It’ll only end badly. And definitely don’t ask them to read your mind. Because they will.
Degree: Physiotherapy/Occupational Therapy
Sex position: Speed Bump & Seashell
Y’all love to use props, hence Speed Bump works. Nestle the pillow under there, let them stretch you out and make sure you tell them when it starts to hurt. It’s a lot like work, to be honest.
Tip: Stretch beforehand, they’ll have you switching up positions.
Degree: Gender studies
Sex position: Spooning
Not a real degree, not a real position.
Tip: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Degree: Communications
Sex position: Cowgirl
Communication is important during sex. Positions where you are facing your partner enable free-flowing communication and intimacy. Cowgirl is certainly one of them. But this isn’t necessarily the impetus for some Comms students. One said they like it “on top where the hegemonic power is”. Nice.
Tip: You can’t have too much dirty-talk. Otherwise try some role play and see where things go.
Degree: Zoology
Sex position: Doggy (reverse + classic)
Literally how could you have been any more obvious. One participant specified that they particularly favoured sex “when they actually love and care about me”. How cute. Although you would think if you spend your days analysing animal behaviour you would be less naïve to the instincts of sexually-active Dunedinites. It’s basically the same thing, right?
Tip: Ask them what their favourite animal is, then proceed to make that sound in bed. They’ll love it.
Degree: SPEX
Sex position: Leg Glider
Keeping the man on their knees. I like it. A key component of studying SPEX is understanding the ins and outs of the science behind sports and human movement, so of course you like the more intricate positions. This one would actually be quite educational for you. Keep up the hard study!
Tip: Ask them how much they bench. Don’t question their answer.
Degree: Social work
Sex position: Open Missionary (legs on shoulders)
Social workers, the backbone of our society. Keeping kids off the streets and homes safe, it’s not easy. They have to delve into traumatised minds and seek solutions. As one social work student said, “We like the deep work.” The deeper the penetration, the better the outcome for New Zealand as a whole. Your efforts do not go unnoticed. Keep it up.
Tip: If the sex isn’t good, just ask them about what jobs come out of a social work degree. They’ll either finish or stop to tell you.
Degree: Surveying
Sex position: Tripod
Well this makes a lot of sense. Surveying… tripods.. you make the connection.
Tip: Let them tell you about their degree and what they like about it. Nobody else listens.
Honourable mentions: Students of Teaching, Microbiology, Environmental Management, and Human Geography all preferred Cowgirl as their sex position of choice. At a first glance, these degrees have literally nothing in common. Now, they do. Now if someone tells you they study Human Geography, instead of asking, “What the fuck is that?” you can ask for some tips on perfecting one of the more elusive sex positions.
Outliers: The Flailing Salmon was mentioned by a few students of the Arts and Sciences. We’ll let you search it up. The least sexually-active degrees appeared to be Comp Sci and HSFY. Ha, nerds. But seriously, get out of the library and computer labs and into bed, maybe you’ll find yourself.