Moaningful Confessions | See you later, phallus-gater. In a while, Crocs-odile

Moaningful Confessions | See you later, phallus-gater. In a while, Crocs-odile

I hadn’t had a root since the world’s greatest heartbreak hit me a year earlier. I was ready. It was my time of the month, I was wearing my lucky dress and my favourite Crocs. My way of
flirting with everyone and anyone was to insist that after every nang, you smooch the person
next to you. And I had brought a lot of nangs. Eventually, one of the smooches went on a bit
longer than the rest. I paused the snog and decided that this exact moment was the perfect time to do my first ever line of ket. Recommence the make out session.

“You taste like ketamine”, he said. “Metallic?” I replied. He agreed, and then licked the empty ketamine bag. I remember thinking: “I must be really hot right now because of the free ket he’s going to receive from my body fluids.” Don’t ask, I was pissed.

We made our way to an unspecified bathroom in an unspecified Leith Street flat to continue
making out. I hadn’t even locked the door, which was a rookie mistake. I paused things, locked
the door, and told him to, “hold on” whilst I flung my bloody tampon out and into a nearby bin. I
knew where this was going. Things escalated until I was sitting on the sink, underwear pulled
down, dress pulled up, dick inside me. Nice. 

It wasn’t particularly comfortable so I suggested we transfer to the floor. It was at this point that I took my Crocs off, which might be my biggest regret. I still can never say I finished whilst wearing a pair of Crocs, which is my biggest regret in life. He starts to eat me out which feels really good, probably because the ketamine kicked in at the same time. I finished. NICE. And then I gave a presumably rather shit blow job. He came on my dress and then politely apologised as I wiped it off. We high fived (nice), I put my Crocs back on, and we returned to the party. Turns out he lost his virginity that night, and maybe his ket virginity too - I never asked.

All in all, pretty successful, I just wished the Crocs had stayed ON. And to that boy, wherever you are, I hope you’re doing well. Get yourself a pair of Crocs.

Brought to you by Adult Toy Megastore

Have something juicy to tell us? Send your salacious stories to moaningful@critic.co.nz. Submissions remain anonymous. 

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2022.
Posted 6:53pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic.