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Müller-Thurgau
Alcohol Content: 8%
Price: $10

As any decent wine critic knows, the difference between a good wine and a bad wine is the quality of the grape. This week’s review covers a vino about as appealing as a lamb shank from the 2-4. It tastes like a yucky chardonnay.

Müller-Thurgau is a Swiss creation (like velcro and LSD) dating back to 1882. Things initially look promising. From what I’ve seen on the internet, most things from Switzerland are sexy. Müller-Thurgau is Germany’s most planted grape, prevailing after crops were devastated by Nazi soldiers. It is renowned for being a refreshing, medium wine with rich stone fruit flavours. Corban himself has taken this flavour and made a mess of it, fitting in well with the rest of the range.

Drinking Corbans makes me uncomfortable. I imagine it’s similar to how young mothers feel breastfeeding in public. Part-embarrassment, part-self disgust. This bottle is recommended with a range of seafood or chicken dishes featuring fruit or fruit-based sauces. I only had Kronic and shaved ham. I’m more disappointed than the father who sends his daughter to university to become a doctor but instead comes back with a BA and a belly full of babies. I’ve been stung with a bottle of something that belongs in a cask.

Initially, it’s refreshing and fruity. It could easily be mistaken for expired Fresh Up. It’s all downhill from here though, becoming bitter (almost salty?) before peaking at an all new level of shit. It’s a sad day for mankind when the Swiss come up with an inferior product.

The brewers at Corbans seem to be all emotion and no skill, similar to women’s sports. The white label promises prestige but delivers pain. It would appear that sometimes paying more pays off. Not financially, though. By all means, if $7 is all you have, get a bottle of Corbans. But if the wallet is a little more full, my recommendation is to save up for a Tupac hologram.

– Mr. Squid