Columns

Friday night had come again, and as the flat sat down together there was another person at the dinner table. She had slightly tanned skin and round doe eyes that whispered “No one realises this but I’m wet right now” every time they blinked. But we noticed all right — how could we not? Many planets and stars and Buddhas must have aligned that night, because Tim had brought a girl home. We all knew too well what his pristine combover meant.

The next morning, I borrowed Shane’s voice recorder and slipped into Tim’s room to get a play-by-play of the events.

Me: So the walls were shaking last night. I assume you two banged?

Tim: “WTF.”

Nina: *screams*

I hunt down some weed and we all–out relax and the interview continues.

How did you begin?

Tim: “We went back to my room and I pulled out some leftover Vodka Cruisers. Then we made out and some above-the-waist groping followed.”

Nina: “I had met Tim at Fever the night before. We were both dancing on the pole together and he pretended it was his dick. He seemed cute. By the time we were in a bedroom alone together, things flowed naturally. If you know what I mean ...”

Yeah, I get you. So what next? When did you get naked?

Nina: “Well Tim wanted to turn off the lights first before we took our clothes off. He said it was because of a scar. Actually he had a very small penis! But it’s okay, I’m studying Human Biology and size doesn’t matter.”

Tim: “Haha. She’s just kidding.”

Nina: “No, not really.”

Tim: ”Yeah you are.”

Nina: “No. I’m not. Without your hands involved, it felt like a sausage flying through a corridor.”

Tim: *Coughs* “Anyway, once the lights were off because of the scar on my back, we started getting at it straight away. I like to do a bit of Spring cleaning with my tongue first for a smooth ride. Then I popped myself in, starting off the sex missionary style. Nina came really fast.”

What about you?

Tim: “Nina said she could come three times in a row if she had to so we kept going. That was pretty hot. We were using a condom but I find it hard to come when I’m wearing one because it’s like pissing into a pool then swimming in it. I don’t know. Nina was pretty happy to finish me off with her mouth.”

Nina: “Yeah, I used to practice with a carrot to lower my gag-reflex.”

Wow. When Tim finished did you swallow or spit?

Nina: I swallowed then Tim and I kissed again and it was great.”