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I wish to attract all the hotties. I need to be an Alpha Male. How do I achieve this status?
I think that gorillas have alphas, or “silverbacks,” so let’s use our ape brethren as an example. In order to become a silverback, one must be old – old enough to have grey back hair. They make important decisions, and beat up young upstart wanna-be alphas. In human society, “alpha males” are often referred to colloquially as “douchebags.” Those who aren’t arrogant usually have great wealth and/or power. You don’t have to be like that to attract the hotties, though! You could be your funny, charming self (unless you aren’t funny or charming, but I think there are self-help books for this), or you could try to be more confident. Try intimidating those around you using stature, sarcasm, or wisdom. In conclusion: to be an alpha male you should be old, mean, and rich. A figure you could consider emulating is Mel Gibson. Do you really want to be an alpha?

How do I deal with all the material shit left behind after a breakup? Is it weird to keep it?
Oprah tells us that you should be comfortable in your home, and therefore rid it of everything containing bad memories. Although I like to retain some bad memories in order to fuel my fire, I recognise the logic in this. I suggest you keep any of the material goods you’re able to mentally disconnect from the relationship, and throw away/donate the rest. A friend of mine recently cleaned out his room, and although a massive teddy bear he’d been given had bad memories associated with it, it was a really good teddy bear. We decided to cut off its arm and use it for storage. You see, when you break up with someone part of moving on is being willing to create new memories; you can do this with possessions, too!

How do I save face after being rejected?
You have three options, as I see it: a) run, just run; b) scoff and “omg did you think I was being srs lolol”; or c) nod, smile, be understanding and un-hateable.
I have to be honest, I suspect that there isn’t “someone out there for everyone.” However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a look! “Getting to know” a wide range of people (staysafekids) can help you figure out what you want from your relationships, even non-romantic ones. Learn what you find attractive in yourself, create happy memories – date yourself – and the hottays will flock to you, you confident Alpha Human, you!