Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Vape juice isn’t a substitute for serotonin. 

Coping mechanism: Therapy 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Keep having low standards, it’s only up from here. 

Coping mechanism: Maladaptive daydreaming  

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Posting mysterious messaging on your finsta? Stop, attention seeker. 

Coping mechanism: Weed, you need to chill out 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Keep working on your tinfoil hat, fucking freak.

Coping mechanism: Dark humour 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Other people have feelings. The world actually doesn’t revolve around you.

Coping mechanism: Online shopping 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

You are either panicked or manic, there is no in between.

Coping mechanism: Meditation 

Leo

July - Aug 22

Drop out and become a stripper.

Coping mechanism: Yoga 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

Over analysing your relationship? Time to cut it off.

Coping mechanism: Tarot card readings   

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Stop stirring shit to stay relevant. Instead, try getting over yourself. 

Coping mechanism: Alcohol 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Start taking your rage out on a therapist instead of your friends.

Coping mechanism: Essential oils 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

You’ve either caught feelings, an STD, or both.

Coping mechanism: Napping as procrastination

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Who hurt you?

Coping mechanism: Low expectations