Columns

A lot of why I wanted to do this column had to do with illuminating words and phrases that can be problematic; words like “fag” and “bitch,” that kind of thing. Over the past couple of weeks, though, I’ve noticed that it’s sometimes the less outrageously vulgar insults that can pack more of a sting. That’s why this week, I’m answering questions about how to inoffensively insult someone.

This girl’s such a slut. What a slutty whore McSlizzpants. How do I politely tell her she’s a sluzza without being rude?

You don’t. Sorry bud, but thinking you have any right to pass judgement over someone else’s sex life is a class-A asshole move. So this girl’s getting into her groove, yeah? Shut the hell up and let her do her thing. If you have a personal grievance, e.g. you are Taylor Swift and are displeased with your recent ex’s new boo, I suggest finding a rhyme for “I’ve misplaced the blame again” instead. If your girlfriend’s cheated on you, that sucks; I suggest commenting on the emotional effects of her behaviour, as it will probably have a more lasting sting.

Some people just look slutty though, can I call them trashy?

This has overtones of classism, which is really only still in vogue in Kensington and Beverly Hills. Instead of “trashy,” try “vulgar” or “unflattering” instead. You’re right, those sound clunky. How about “hawt mess”?

Am I allowed to say “that’s so gay” to my gay friend?

As a general rule I’m gonna go with no, because while your gay friend really is “so gay,” using the phrase will train you into thinking it’s okay to say all the time. Your friend may not mind (ask!), but phrases like this often feel like tiny gut daggers you forgot were inside you, which when uttered twist and remind you of how you’re different. Some LGBTQ will speak up in these situations, but on the whole social stigma keeps us quiet. So yeah, don’t say it.

You’ve called people assholes before, what makes that ok?

“Asshole” is a favourite of mine because it doesn’t refer to any cultural group, nor does it have gender-based connotations. Get creative with your insults!
Obviously, I’m not encouraging being nasty to people! However, I am a naturally mean person, and I know many of you out there are the same; together, we can work to popularise awesome insults, like “fuck-knuckle,” which will be tailor-made for maximum PC burn.

In the end, though, the best advice on inoffensive insulting I can offer is the age-old, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” That stuff cuts deep.